“Sabar itu pahit tetapi buahnya amat manis”

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A delayed answer doesn’t mean God is unconcerned but rather He has a larger purpose for his timing. Trust Him.                    

-Rick Warren

Life is not always a bed of roses. Being married to a wonderful husband doesn’t guarantee a smooth sailing journey for both of us. Two weeks after our wedding, my husband lost two of his lovely sisters in a bus accident. What comes after that was a high expectation from everybody for me to produce a replacement for the losses- a grandchild. Unfortunately, after one year and six months of marriage, I’m still childless.

What goes wrong? I don’t have the answer. It hurts me so bad when people keep asking, waiting, wondering what’s wrong with me. I got goose bumps meeting relatives and friends. “eh, tak pregnant lagi? Bukan ka dah lama kahwin?” “bila nak pregnant?”, “anak makcik yang kahwin lepas daripada puan pun dah nak beranak”, “amboi, badan macam anak dara lagi”, etc..

 To make matter worse is when I’m the only one to be blame. Yeah, women will be at blame when this issue arises. They said I’m infertile, I don’t pray much to God to ask for a child, I don’t eat right, I’m too thin, I have to eat this, I have to eat that, I have to do this; I have to do that, I have to see the doctors etc. I cried a lot. Who doesn’t when she has to go through all these, right?

 I wonder why Allah has to test me like this. Am I that bad that Allah hates me? Have I done something cruel to others before, that Allah won’t forgive me? Am I infertile? Why me? Why not others? Will my husband marry another? Will my husband leave me? So many questions floating in my mind that only God knows the answer.

 “Sabar itu pahit tetapi buahnya amat manis”. My late teacher, Cikgu Johari wrote that in my autograph when I was 12 years old. The advice was short but carries a lot of weight. Thank you cikgu. The advice helps when I’m feeling down. It hurts being tested by God in such a way. Who doesn’t want a child after getting married, the feeling of having another human being in your womb, the excitement of holding your own flesh and blood…

 I strongly believe that I’m the chosen one by the Almighty to be tested this way. Who am I to question God on what has been planned for me? I’m only His creation.

 Al Ankabut: 2-3, Allah said:

“Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, “We believe”, and that they will not be tested? We did test those before them, and God will certainly know those who are true from those who are false”.

Am I tough enough to go through this heart breaking experiences?

God gives His answer to me in Al Baqarah: 286

“On no soul doth God place a burden greater than it can bear”.

I should be thankful to God for being tested. There are other couples who have been married for a longer period than I am who are still childless. I’m not the only one without a child. Well, I have to look on the positive side of it-  I still have ample time to spend with God , ample time to spend with my husband, concentrate on my job, good night sleep, go for honeymoon for countless times and many more. Supposedly, I should count my blessing.

I believe everything happens for a reason. Look at Tunku Azizah who has been childless for 10 years. Why God tested her in such a way? God has greater plan for her. After all the pain that she had to go through, now she has established a foundation for those who are having infertility problems. Through the foundation, she has helped many couples to overcome the problems and bring joy to them. If God has not given her the test, there would not be any Tunku Azizah Fertility Foundation.

So what is God’s plan for me? I wouldn’t know. All I need to do is put my trust in God. He knows better. Insya Allah..

We decided to see the O&G specialist after the situation got worse and the mental torture seems unbearable. To my astonishment, I was informed that I am suffering from Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) which caused me the difficulties to get pregnant. PCOS is the leading cause of female infertility. Ya Allah, why me? I was so depressed and sad when I got to know that. Now, surely I’m at fault. I tried not to break the news to my in laws and friends. Unfortunately, they manage to know about it. I feel useless and extremely frustrated with myself..

Only Allah keeps me strong. For every sickness there is cure. I do some research about the symptoms. It cannot be cured but the effect can be reversed. I tried my level best to combat the symptoms. I changed my daily diet where I took a lot of fiber, including fruits, vegetables, avoid caffeine, fast food. In the meantime, I was given clomid by the specialist for two cycles but in vain.

I keep on praying to Allah to help me overcome the hard times. The story of prophet Zakaria who kept on praying to Allah for a child even though he was old and his wife was barren motivates me. I put my trust in Allah as He is The Creator of All the things that is in heaven and on earth.

Maryam: 8-9

“O my Lord! How shall I have a son, when my wife is barren and I have grown quite decrepit from old age? He said: So (it will be) thy Lord saith, ‘that is easy for Me: I did indeed create thee before, when thou hadst been nothing!”

Verily, when He intends a thing, His Command is “be” and it is. Suddenly, my health deteriorated. I thought I was suffering from low blood pressure which caused dizziness and the urge to vomiting. My appetite to eat suddenly increase and I easily feel exhausted. On 19 January 2012, my husband and I went to see the specialist once again to discuss the next steps to be taken. Previously, the specialist had informed me the options, which includes among others, laporoscopic procedure called ovarion drilling, IUI, and In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). The specialist looked a bit hesitate to proceed with the procedure to clear the cyst in my womb. Even my husband doesn’t like the idea of me going through the knives. I informed the specialist that my menses has delayed for almost two month. She immediately scanned my womb…and subhanallah..there he is.. a feotus in my womb! I was speechless. After two years of marriage, I’m finally pregnant. Only Allah knows my feeling and how thankful I am. Alhamdulillah.

 I broke the news about my pregnancy only to my closest family members. The main reason was because someone with PCOS can easily suffered from miscarriage. I kept on praying to Allah asking for everything to go on smoothly. Later on, everybody knows that I’m pregnant. It was unknown to my husband and I about the sex of our baby. Even 4D scan was unable to reveal it.

 In the morning of 7 August 2012, I felt something was not right. I felt very tired but still try my best to perform my fasting and went to court as I had two continued hearing. Throughout the day I had my contraction regularly and I felt like having diarrhea. I had to sit down while examining the witnesses in court. Everybody told me that I was about to give birth but I ignore their presumption as my expected due date will only be on 30th August 2012. My friends, Akmal and Nida won’t allow me to drive back home after work. They send me back. That evening, around 6.30 pm, there was a signs of blood. My husband immediately took me to the nearest clinic and performed Vaginal Examination (VE) on me. We were in shock as my husband can already feel the head of the baby! The opening was about 3 cm. We then headed to the hospital. The doctors told me that as that was my first experience to give birth; it will take some time for me to deliver. My husband decided that we should just wait at the hospital. At 11.45 pm, the opening has reached 5 cm and I was transferred to the labour room. At 3.22 am, 8 August 2012, 19 Ramadhan, I gave birth to a small baby boy weight 2.2 cm. Praise be to Allah. We named him- Syed Abdyllah Aljunid.

 Finally, Allah has answered my prayer. Truly, sabar itu pahit tetapi buahnya amat manis.

 “When My servants ask the concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to My call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way”                                                  

Al Baqarah: 186

oleh :
Sharifah Syazwani bt Syed Hussin

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